Couples Counseling: The Gottman method

This blog post is the email response some have received from me after inquiring about couples counseling.

“My friend, Tina-Fontina Bonita-Conchita saw me with Anita, having a Margarita and mentioned you might be a good person to talk to about couples counseling. Do you do that and do you take insurance? ”

— Bob Loblaw

Yes, I do couples counseling and I do take insurance. I use a modified version of the methods developed by the Gottman Institute.  This method focuses on appreciation, friendship and acts of connection instead of the traditional "Communication" method still used by most counselors.  Gottman's method was developed after 30+ years of studying couples as they interacted.  

Here is Gottman talking about what the Love Lab is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E94xTxEydN4

And Here is a short video about how he sees work happening: 

This is a really great overview of his process. It's a Prezi (like powerpoint) so maybe go over it with your significant other. Prezi: 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work

I don't follow it exactly (we stop at whatever stage is the most troubling and spend time focusing on cognitive changes we can do to create a new relationship with that issue) but it lays out what the process is and why it's so important to avoid the old "communication" style of counseling.  

So, here's a thought game:  I arrive home after a long day at work, park the car in the driveway and walk to the front of the house.  There in the front yard is my wife, with a shovel standing over a hole in the ground with a jet of water streaming up 15 ft into the air. 

Do I need to use proper language with her?  ("When you sever our water line, it makes me feel like you are impetuous.") 

Or do I need to love and appreciate her enough that I automatically believe she is a good person, worthy of my kindness in spite of the water line rupture?  

For those geeks out there, let's put a chart in to give the perception of scientific validity: 

Love and Connection

Our Feelings About Our Partner Predict How We React And How Much Damage or Healing We Do To Our Relationship. The numbers represent how much damage (negative numbers) or growth (positive numbers) happens to our relationship when we respond from the listed emotional states (Angry... Fond...). As our Appreciation for our Partner grows, our response becomes more positive.

This is why the Gottman method just works better.  If I have focused on how much I care about and appreciate my wife, I will automatically join with her in the problem and not blame or criticize her for the "accident" no matter how much at fault she was or how frustrated I am.  Even if she says she wanted to see what happened when she busted the water line, I will be able to still value her and be there as her partner instead of judging her, having contempt for her (lack of) intelligence, or, more commonly, use this as a validation of all the other ways I feel upset at her.  We do damage by working to push how important we are and we repair relationships by working to remind ourselves how important our partner is.  As you can see, this means we need to work together or else one partner will end up being marginalized.  This is why we need to first establish that both people are invested in strengthening the relationship instead of just getting a therapist to prove they were right all along.  

Anyway, maybe this is more a blog post than an email (and actually it will be in 5 minutes) but I think it's a fair overview of what my perspective is and what would be expected from you if you want to come in.  

Ps. This method also has been found to be more gender neutral. The "communication" method tends to favor the style of couples work that women are already socialized to be more proficient at, meaning therapy sometimes comes off as an attack on the male partner.  The Gottman method works equally well if you can figure out a way to care about your partner as they can receive it.  

Thanks for reaching out. 

One of Two

What freedom do we have to harm ourselves? Do we have the right to prioritize others over ourselves or put our lives in danger? Are we even good judges of what danger we face? 

And what right do we have to hurt those around us? Should we sequester ourselves or medicate our emotions or actions away to protect those who may not be able to protect themselves?

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"Bathroom" by Hermetic Hermit via Flickr

Questions without answers. Except the constant answer that we have the right to make mistakes and the right to feel our way forward using our deepest desires as much as our highest thoughts. 

You have the right but also the responsibility to not waste that right by becoming confused by the lies we tell ourselves; the lies that our darknesses tell us.  

So what do we owe ourselves and those we care for? Nothing less than honesty and nothing more than what is safe. We can give of ourselves only that which we have to give and it is dishonest to give more than is safe. If we give to an extent that makes us vulnerable, that is righteous, but to give to a level that makes us less likely to give tomorrow is unfair to ourselves and unfair to those we care for and care about. 

Support. Having it and giving it is the way away from being exploited by those we care about and by ourselves. 

Control, fear, anger, hurt, loss, importance. Betrayal only happens if you have extended your vulnerability and been hurt. 

One is fighting herself for control of her emotions of her future and of her willingness to try. The other is fighting herself to stay vulnerable after being so thoroughly hurt and marginalized. Brought to fight wolves and abandoned to fight on her own. But this isn't a single action, this is an emotion and emotions change with new experience. And these new experiences are not pre-destined, they are potentials, some easy and harsh some rare but beautiful. The potentials exist to be actuated through fear, worry, bravery and courage. There is nothing definite except that the current beliefs will be validated or challenged based on new experiences and we control those new realities. 

“No!!! Yo nunca me rendí, sólo entendí que... Ya fue suficiente.”

The common is to wait, to react, to accept, and to alter our expectations.  To act with purpose and to fight for a preferred future is not modeled and is not common. It is a brave existence without a set of models.  We aren't shown the way and aren't guaranteed success. But what we are guaranteed is a position in the process and a right to own the outcome. Future does not happen to us, it is made by us.