Build Your Own Therapist at Home

“This is the advantage: Carrying another’s problems doesn’t weigh as much as your own, so overall the weight decreases both ways. Along the path you may find insight or help with the troubles, but really the importance is simply in the sharing and caring. . .”

Therapists are made out of people. 

A counselor or therapist (I'll use these interchangeably) practices a bunch of things, but a lot of what they practice is not talking.  They also practice how to search, hold and value appropriately.  They combine compassionate challenging with relationship building. They listen and respond according to what the client needs, not what the therapist needs.

But there are barriers to great treatment using only a counselor (and not your community) is the imperative that therapists not create dependency.  We are trained and believe that people should learn to deal with their own problems and be set free to practice out these skills. I believe this completely, but I can't sign off on the belief that people are better off without a therapist.

The built-in artificiality of the relationship with a counselor creates a tough situation since therapists may be a huge part of your personal change.  What do you do when you are in a negative thought loop? What about when you are preparing for a known trigger situation with only a few minutes notice? And don't tell your therapist I said so because lots of them don't believe this: Having a good relationship with your therapist will help, but it won't help when and where you may be able to benefit the most.

How many wings and wheels should your therapist have?

By building a peer-based support system you can get the challenging, emotional understanding and introspection assistance that is a large part of the benefits offered by traditional talk therapy. There are many kinds of therapy out there and not all therapists would sign off on my suggestion that the people around you can help you "therapize" yourself. And I am not really saying that you should get help therapizing yourself. I'm advocating for you to be mindful of how intimately interconnected your success is with the community you build around yourself.

Therapists listen a bit differently than most friends, and we (hopefully) respond differently to what we hear. Part of this difference is based on our treatment goal focus: our process of working on a small set of high-priority problems and guiding conversation and tasks towards these changes. Another, large part of this difference is simply that we are, at that moment, focused on the client's problems and goals, not our own needs.  This also is the same for our responses; they are focused on making sure we have properly heard not only the content but the emotional meaning behind the content.  Then, after we have been assured of understanding the situation, our advice or guidance is based on what we believe will be the best course of action for that person, not what has worked well for us in the past.  This of course is a huge simplification because our fundamental belief about how the world works and how therapy works will always inform our belief about what a person should do to make substantive changes in their own life. 

How to build this within a peer or friend. 

One thing that is important to mention: sharing meaningful content with a friend, even a close friend, has the potential of permanently changing your relationship with that person.  This may be a positive or negative change.  It may create a more meaningful, honest and trusting relationship; or it may just make future conversations and interactions awkward and uncomfortable.  Be thoughtful about what you share with whom; it may make you re-evaluate a friendship or family connection.

Personally I think the rewards are worth the risks in most cases.  You don't have to make all of your friendships super serious and deep, but increasing your emotional support network by even one or two people has the potential of creating a resource that can become very helpful.  

Okay, so now you are on board. Let's do it then.  

Firstly. No one person will be able to provide all the support or peer counsel you will need.  Segment your needs and find people that fit those needs.  Also, some problems, such as grief and loss, are too large to be addressed by only one support. Again, find how and where each of your peers can best help.  

Next. Make sure these relationships are balanced and mutually supportive.  This will probably take some training on one or both sides, but it is important that the sharing and listening is almost equal on both sides, because unlike a professional therapist, your peer will not be paid and also will not have several hundred hours of practicing not being the focus of attention. 

Then. Or maybe before then. Identify which friends or family may make the best peer counel buddies.  I think that partners and close family may be helpful to some degree, but the sweet spot is probably with someone who is not as closely linked to your problems. A cousin, an old friend from your childhood, someone you got to know well at yoga class. They should be close, yet not so invested in your life that they will be biased towards their own position in the situations. 

Next. Make a clear statement about your intent. Mention that you have been working on bettering your life through challenging yourself to be more intentional. Ask them if they are interested in being an activity partner in it. This is not about using someone as support, it's about building a mutually connective and more honestly authentic relationship with someone so you can both benefit from sincere sharing.  

Then. Test them with something safe. Maybe a decision or topic that you have already worked on yourself. Maybe something that you aren't as emotionally connected to.  

Lastly. And this is important. You need to bring their attention back to the idea that this isn't about fixing a problem or finding a solution. It's about walking with someone to help hold their weighty life while they help hold part of yours. This is the advantage: Carrying another's problems doesn't weigh as much as your own, so overall the weight decreases both ways. Along the path you may find insight or help with the troubles, but really the importance is simply in the sharing and caring.  

Learning to Create Our Own Emotions

The most common themes that comes up in sessions with clients is how you are feeling.

We don't often think of emotions as more than the here-and-now feelings we experience as reactions to our environment. But what if we could actually plan for emotions, build the emotions we want over time and consistently find mindfulness even in our darkest moments?

If we think about brain health as an analogy to body health, it can be easier to understand how much power we have to get (and stay) healthy, despite our individual challenges. For instance, look at these predictable parts to an average day for a relatively healthy person:

1. Breakfast
2. Lunch
3. Dinner
4. Exercise
5. Interactions with friends and family

All of these things are predictable and planned to some extent. You would never skip breakfast and lunch and claim you had healthy eating habits. You would never consistently ignore calls from the people who love you and nourish your life and claim an A+ in the friendship and love department. It'd be hard to skip four workouts a week all year and claim ignorance on why we don't feel as strong as we used to. 

We know these things are important, we do them everyday, and therefore we can plan for them, experiment with what works best for us (maybe a hearty breakfast and a quick granola bar for lunch works best for our work schedule, or maybe the opposite is true), and we can get better at them over time to enhance our physical health.

Similarly, our emotions happen every day. And we can plan for them, experiment with cognitive exercises and mindful practices to find what works best for our unique situation, and we can get better at it overtime. We can develop mindful attention around the pain, trauma, grief and daily stress that we carry and build the emotional inner life that will keep our minds and hearts healthy, too.

I recommend this episode of Brain Science Podcast featuring Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, author of How Emotions Are Made. "We discuss the evidence AGAINST the classical theory that emotions are universal and hardwired, as well as her new theory of Constructed Emotions. This new theory has significant implications for how we understand ourselves and others." http://traffic.libsyn.com/brainsciencepodcast/135-bsp-barrett.mp3?dest-id=12241 

The 12 Neurological Addiction Steps

The 12 Steps of Neurological Addiction

Step 1 – Recognize Distorted Reward Signaling

I acknowledge that alcohol has altered my brain’s reward and motivation systems, making harmful behavior feel necessary or beneficial in the moment—even when it destroys long-term well-being and steals my values.

Step 2 – Accept Reality as the Higher Power

I accept that science, biology, and cause-and-effect are in control—not willpower or belief. My brain is not exempt from the laws of neurobiology.

Step 3 – Commit to Working With Reality, Not Against It

The very nature of addiction creates an inability for me to think my way out of this trap. Instead of fighting my brain alone, I choose to work with evidence-based practices, professional support, and community to repair and retrain my nervous system.

Step 4 – Honest Examination Without Judgment

I examine my behaviors, triggers, and patterns—without moralizing, shaming, or spiritualizing. The goal is accuracy, not guilt.

Step 5 – Share Reality With Someone Outside My Own Mind

I speak my experiences openly with another person or group, understanding that my own brain can justify almost anything—external perspective is a corrective tool.

Step 6 – Become Willing to Let Go of Reward Illusions

I allow myself to see alcohol not as comfort or reward, but as a neurological glitch that hijacks my survival system.

Step 7 – Practice Skills That Rewire the Brain

Through consistent behavioral practices I work to rebuild impulse control, emotional regulation, and long-term thinking with the goal being to change my emotional relationship with the addiction.

Step 8 – Acknowledge Damage Done

I identify the ways my addiction harmed relationships, my own body, and my future—not out of guilt, but as a clear inventory of what needs repair.

Step 9 – Repair Where Possible, Without Causing More Harm

I take action to repair what I’ve damaged—when it is healthy and appropriate—understanding that relational repair is itself a neurological corrective to isolation and shame.

Step 10 – Ongoing Self-Observation and Course Correction

I remain aware that my brain will continue trying to return to old patterns. I monitor thoughts, cravings, and behaviors regularly and correct course early.

Step 11 – Train Awareness and Present-Moment Thinking

Through mindfulness or similar practices, I train my brain to notice impulses without obeying them, to feel discomfort without immediate reaction, and to reconnect with reality.

Step 12 – Use My Recovery to Support Others and Reinforce My Own

Understanding how connection, purpose, and service heal the brain, I choose to support others in recovery—not from moral superiority, but from shared humanity and mutual benefit.

The absurd logic of Camus

I have been with a client many times when they arrive at these conclusions: what's the poin? and: either I'm crazy or the world is crazy.

Enter Camus. Not that he was the first not the least to write about in an absurd world where the idea of merit based outcomes and existential meaning are met with the harsh reality of unfairness with the common response from those we turn to being: live for your eternal afterlife, not this life.

To Camus, that was not a good enough response.

The philosophical deobfuscationist Ralph Ammer tackles Camus' response is this recent post about the book The Myth of Sisyphus.

---

Myth of Sisyphus

Sense of control

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-case-for-the-ldquo-self-driven-child-rdquo/ 

This this is a new micro post highlighting research from Scientific American on how important it is for people to feel in control. One of the biggest things under threat when a person experiences violence or emotional abuse is there sense of being the one in control of their life. That is why many people end up believing that it is their fault for why things happen, especially children. For children there are so many things they can't control when they are affected by overwhelming violence or emotional abuse they regain control by believing that it is all their fault, something that is often accepted or supported by the abusers. This article highlights just how destructive and damaging it is to not feel that you are the author of your life. 

One one thing that I strive to do in therapy is help people feel that they are again in control of where their life is going and what is going to happen in their future. Without a sense that you are the one directing your life story it won't matter what is happening to you or what direction you were heading because of the discomfort and destructiveness from not feeling like you are the one making the choices

Couples Counseling: The Gottman method

This blog post is the email response some have received from me after inquiring about couples counseling.

“My friend, Tina-Fontina Bonita-Conchita saw me with Anita, having a Margarita and mentioned you might be a good person to talk to about couples counseling. Do you do that and do you take insurance? ”

— Bob Loblaw

Yes, I do couples counseling and I do take insurance. I use a modified version of the methods developed by the Gottman Institute.  This method focuses on appreciation, friendship and acts of connection instead of the traditional "Communication" method still used by most counselors.  Gottman's method was developed after 30+ years of studying couples as they interacted.  

Here is Gottman talking about what the Love Lab is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E94xTxEydN4

And Here is a short video about how he sees work happening: 

This is a really great overview of his process. It's a Prezi (like powerpoint) so maybe go over it with your significant other. Prezi: 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work

I don't follow it exactly (we stop at whatever stage is the most troubling and spend time focusing on cognitive changes we can do to create a new relationship with that issue) but it lays out what the process is and why it's so important to avoid the old "communication" style of counseling.  

So, here's a thought game:  I arrive home after a long day at work, park the car in the driveway and walk to the front of the house.  There in the front yard is my wife, with a shovel standing over a hole in the ground with a jet of water streaming up 15 ft into the air. 

Do I need to use proper language with her?  ("When you sever our water line, it makes me feel like you are impetuous.") 

Or do I need to love and appreciate her enough that I automatically believe she is a good person, worthy of my kindness in spite of the water line rupture?  

For those geeks out there, let's put a chart in to give the perception of scientific validity: 

Love and Connection

Our Feelings About Our Partner Predict How We React And How Much Damage or Healing We Do To Our Relationship. The numbers represent how much damage (negative numbers) or growth (positive numbers) happens to our relationship when we respond from the listed emotional states (Angry... Fond...). As our Appreciation for our Partner grows, our response becomes more positive.

This is why the Gottman method just works better.  If I have focused on how much I care about and appreciate my wife, I will automatically join with her in the problem and not blame or criticize her for the "accident" no matter how much at fault she was or how frustrated I am.  Even if she says she wanted to see what happened when she busted the water line, I will be able to still value her and be there as her partner instead of judging her, having contempt for her (lack of) intelligence, or, more commonly, use this as a validation of all the other ways I feel upset at her.  We do damage by working to push how important we are and we repair relationships by working to remind ourselves how important our partner is.  As you can see, this means we need to work together or else one partner will end up being marginalized.  This is why we need to first establish that both people are invested in strengthening the relationship instead of just getting a therapist to prove they were right all along.  

Anyway, maybe this is more a blog post than an email (and actually it will be in 5 minutes) but I think it's a fair overview of what my perspective is and what would be expected from you if you want to come in.  

Ps. This method also has been found to be more gender neutral. The "communication" method tends to favor the style of couples work that women are already socialized to be more proficient at, meaning therapy sometimes comes off as an attack on the male partner.  The Gottman method works equally well if you can figure out a way to care about your partner as they can receive it.  

Thanks for reaching out. 

Anger: An Attempt to Regain Control

Anger is a powerful emotion, full of action, importance and validation. This power and control and gives you righteous might when you were so recently lost, trapped or otherwise in a position of impotence. 

In this context, it is not surprising that so many people develop problems with anger. It, much like its cousin Blame, serve a purpose that is hard to replicate using emotion-invalidating tactics like Understanding, Compromise, and Avoidance (cooling off).  But, and yes there is always a big but, what if Anger has played you a fool and given you false promises of validation to keep you bound to it while it takes away your higher values: Connection, Trust, Safety and even Family. 

So many of us have been lured into the anger trap that it is seen as normal by many.  Mess up my order at Taco Bell and Angry Righteousness spews forward about the importance of your Pico De Gallo instead of cheese; you get your food replaced and all is right again. You may leave feeling validated, heard, and maybe a bit more important. But did you fairly evaluate the cost of your accusations of border malfeasance? Were your children watching or your spouse next to you in the car? Did it increase your chances of using Anger in more costly situations? 

Common sense tells us that our anger needs to be released, acted upon or validated. It is an emotion and emotions are valid right? 

“Good! Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you”

— Emperor Palpatine

The problem comes when people develop a relationship with anger that causes them to use it to get validation and feelings of control. Once this connection has been established, we will continue using it for validation and control, even when that means we hurt people, damage our own self-image and possibly have massive impacts to our personal and professional life.  

Once we have developed this addictive relationship with anger, it will be hard to break the habit. We will resort to anger when faced with frustration, incompetence, disappointments and sadness. 

This is why angry people are often frustrated people.  We don't get what we want directly, instead having to use anger to fulfill our emotional needs. I want my kids to listen to me and clean up their room. The emotion isn't Anger that I want, it's probably not even compliance. It's probably comfort or calmness from seeing the room cleaner and the kids responding to me.  If I get control and validation through anger, I'm now trying to get to calmness by asking anger to help me get there.  Welcome to Frustrationville. 

If we don't recognize the emotion we're going after and find a better way, we will continue to think that Anger is the only way.  Pretty soon we'll have friends suggesting I punch pillows and go skeet shooting to "get out" my anger. 

The problem with this pattern is that I'm not getting anything out, I'm only strengthening my belief that Anger is the way to validate my feelings. 

So, Anger isn't a primary feeling, it's a secondary feeling or response when our primary feelings aren't validated.  I feel hurt that my friends went to a show last night without texting me. Anger says that it's easier to say, "You are a bunch of ignorant asshats," than, "That really hurts my feelings to be left out because I really like you guys and don't have a lot of other friends."  Which response do you think is going to increase the chances of you getting the text next Friday? 

Disentangling Anger from validation and control is a tough job.  The people that interact with an Angry person often have developed a belief that the person is mean, "bitchy," an "asshole," nasty, or just plain ol' no fun. Others expect the "angry person" to respond with anger and may wait or ignite it so they can prove themselves right or get the upper hand.  We have to work at addressing the primary emotion quickly and actively, before Anger tries to convince us that it will do a better job of soothing us. 

But don't expect your first or fifth try to be the one that lets you feel heard, accepted and okay with the world. There will be many false starts and many roadblocks along the way. Your anger may hide many layers of un-discovered primary emotions underneath it.  Some people fear rejection and protect themselves against being rejected by acting with anger first. Others find that people only stop what they are doing and listen when they get Angry.  There are many dynamics that go into arresting this addictive tactic. But it's a tactic that, much like cotton candy, hits sweet and strong but goes away quickly, often leaving sticky fingers and upset stomachs. 

If you're interested in finding out more about your relationship with Anger, give me a call, stop by and yell at me or fill out this form to give me an idea about what your personal relationship with anger looks like.