“This is the advantage: Carrying another’s problems doesn’t weigh as much as your own, so overall the weight decreases both ways. Along the path you may find insight or help with the troubles, but really the importance is simply in the sharing and caring. . .”
Therapists are made out of people.
A counselor or therapist (I'll use these interchangeably) practices a bunch of things, but a lot of what they practice is not talking. They also practice how to search, hold and value appropriately. They combine compassionate challenging with relationship building. They listen and respond according to what the client needs, not what the therapist needs.
But there are barriers to great treatment using only a counselor (and not your community) is the imperative that therapists not create dependency. We are trained and believe that people should learn to deal with their own problems and be set free to practice out these skills. I believe this completely, but I can't sign off on the belief that people are better off without a therapist.
The built-in artificiality of the relationship with a counselor creates a tough situation since therapists may be a huge part of your personal change. What do you do when you are in a negative thought loop? What about when you are preparing for a known trigger situation with only a few minutes notice? And don't tell your therapist I said so because lots of them don't believe this: Having a good relationship with your therapist will help, but it won't help when and where you may be able to benefit the most.
How many wings and wheels should your therapist have?
By building a peer-based support system you can get the challenging, emotional understanding and introspection assistance that is a large part of the benefits offered by traditional talk therapy. There are many kinds of therapy out there and not all therapists would sign off on my suggestion that the people around you can help you "therapize" yourself. And I am not really saying that you should get help therapizing yourself. I'm advocating for you to be mindful of how intimately interconnected your success is with the community you build around yourself.
Therapists listen a bit differently than most friends, and we (hopefully) respond differently to what we hear. Part of this difference is based on our treatment goal focus: our process of working on a small set of high-priority problems and guiding conversation and tasks towards these changes. Another, large part of this difference is simply that we are, at that moment, focused on the client's problems and goals, not our own needs. This also is the same for our responses; they are focused on making sure we have properly heard not only the content but the emotional meaning behind the content. Then, after we have been assured of understanding the situation, our advice or guidance is based on what we believe will be the best course of action for that person, not what has worked well for us in the past. This of course is a huge simplification because our fundamental belief about how the world works and how therapy works will always inform our belief about what a person should do to make substantive changes in their own life.
How to build this within a peer or friend.
One thing that is important to mention: sharing meaningful content with a friend, even a close friend, has the potential of permanently changing your relationship with that person. This may be a positive or negative change. It may create a more meaningful, honest and trusting relationship; or it may just make future conversations and interactions awkward and uncomfortable. Be thoughtful about what you share with whom; it may make you re-evaluate a friendship or family connection.
Personally I think the rewards are worth the risks in most cases. You don't have to make all of your friendships super serious and deep, but increasing your emotional support network by even one or two people has the potential of creating a resource that can become very helpful.
Okay, so now you are on board. Let's do it then.
Firstly. No one person will be able to provide all the support or peer counsel you will need. Segment your needs and find people that fit those needs. Also, some problems, such as grief and loss, are too large to be addressed by only one support. Again, find how and where each of your peers can best help.
Next. Make sure these relationships are balanced and mutually supportive. This will probably take some training on one or both sides, but it is important that the sharing and listening is almost equal on both sides, because unlike a professional therapist, your peer will not be paid and also will not have several hundred hours of practicing not being the focus of attention.
Then. Or maybe before then. Identify which friends or family may make the best peer counel buddies. I think that partners and close family may be helpful to some degree, but the sweet spot is probably with someone who is not as closely linked to your problems. A cousin, an old friend from your childhood, someone you got to know well at yoga class. They should be close, yet not so invested in your life that they will be biased towards their own position in the situations.
Next. Make a clear statement about your intent. Mention that you have been working on bettering your life through challenging yourself to be more intentional. Ask them if they are interested in being an activity partner in it. This is not about using someone as support, it's about building a mutually connective and more honestly authentic relationship with someone so you can both benefit from sincere sharing.
Then. Test them with something safe. Maybe a decision or topic that you have already worked on yourself. Maybe something that you aren't as emotionally connected to.
Lastly. And this is important. You need to bring their attention back to the idea that this isn't about fixing a problem or finding a solution. It's about walking with someone to help hold their weighty life while they help hold part of yours. This is the advantage: Carrying another's problems doesn't weigh as much as your own, so overall the weight decreases both ways. Along the path you may find insight or help with the troubles, but really the importance is simply in the sharing and caring.